I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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