Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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