my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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