I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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