I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Hippo gnu deer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize