3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
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Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
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Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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