Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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