Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
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I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
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I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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