My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
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Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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