i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
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I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
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You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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