Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
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Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
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I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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