I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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