Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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