You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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