Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I didn't notice because vodka
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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