My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
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that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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