Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize