I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
im six kinds of drunk right now
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize