The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize