I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
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You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
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You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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