he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
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I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
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...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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