Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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