I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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