there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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