Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You made out with two different species that night
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize