How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just had sex on a roof
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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