Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
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it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
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Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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