Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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