i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize