I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
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Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
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I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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