Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
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I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
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I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
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