Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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