come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize