Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize