I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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