he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
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So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
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it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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