I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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