mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
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all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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