Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
πππ what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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