Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
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Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
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