PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
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he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
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I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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