I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
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Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
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Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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