my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
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Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
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Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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