His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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