my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
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I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
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I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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