My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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