So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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