you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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