Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
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I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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