well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
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It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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